Binary Code

We are living in an era where we’re constantly being pressured into picking one side or another. But it is not just just modern technology and social media that presents the world to us in this “binary” way. It is a basic evolutionary drive that leads us to look for simple rules; Is it good or bad? Is it safe or unsafe? Some of the difficulties you may be having - depression, for example - are related to a belief that it is hopeless. And once you believe that, you look at the world through hopeless eyes and see only the evidence that supports that point of view.

It is more realistic - and more human - to look at each thing that happens in life on its own, not as part of the ongoing narrative we have in our heads. But it allows us to see more than just two options. Sometimes we fail and succeed on the same day. Acknowledging both will make you feel more human than discounting either one.

“You should be happy you even have a job!”

Have you ever complained about some toxic aspect of your job and been told this? It is good to feel gratitude for the comforts and privileges one has, to be sure, but perhaps comfort and privilege is not what your life is supposed to be about. What about autonomy, self-determination, meaningful and satisfying work? What are your values when it comes to work? When it comes to all aspects of life? Do your employer’s values clash with these? You probably shouldn’t just quit right away, but perhaps it’s time to start setting an intention to take your working life in a direction consistent with your values.

What are you here to do?

Play It Out

In chess, a player can make a wrong move and loses the game. Sometimes, though, one can make a wrong move and still be in the game.

When I first started playing, if I made the latter kind of mistake, I was quick to give up. The more advanced players against whom I was playing would always say “Play it out. That’s how you learn.” I always rolled my eyes at this. I knew I was finished - what was the point of prolonging my humiliation?

As I got a little better at the game of chess, and as I worked through my own anxieties, I started heeding this advice. And lo and behold, I would sometimes make a terrific comeback, even after making a seemingly fatal “wrong move.”

Of course, it still stings when I accidentally lose a valuable piece in the game. And it often does mean I lose that match. But I always learn and I always enjoy the game.

Do you give up when the game isn’t going your way? Let’s work together to learn to “play it out!”

How do we get around bad news?

Sometimes, in the course of our day, we receive some bad news - yet another stressor, yet another hurdle has been added to our seemingly endless obstacle course. We are barely getting by day to day as is - how can we handle this additional difficulty?

The depressive mind, the anxious mind responds to such a situation by adding it to the list of reasons why everything is hopeless, why we are doomed to more misery.

Perhaps there is a better way.

Perhaps we can acknowledge that this news means challenges and frustrations ahead, while not assuming that all is hopeless. Perhaps we can even use such a challenge to motivate us to find a better situation. This doesn’t pretend the challenge isn’t there. We don’t need to “think positively,” we need to think realistically and strategically.

On Wanting To Be Alone

We all want to be alone sometimes. But what if we want to be alone all the time? Does that simply make one an “introvert?”

It’s tempting to embrace the romanticism of being a “loner.” Indeed, our culture celebrates the individual. But all the research shows us that we need others, not just to be happy and well-adjusted, and not just to depend upon, but simply to live.

You may reply “but I’m with others all day - at work, on the subway, out on the street, and I’m not happy in any of these places.” None of these places nurture us the way a community can. But they can trick us into thinking we don’t want to be with any people, when really, we just don’t want to be with strangers. Or we don’t want to be at work! Does that mean we are lazy or undeserving of food, clothes and shelter?

Has anyone ever asked you that question? Are you worthy? Why or why not?

Getting Unstuck

When we spend so much time in our heads, it’s often hard to find the way out, but very easy to get stuck in a very bad loop. If you’re tech savvy, think about a computer running a bad line of code; if you’re a vinyl record collector, imagine the turntable skipping.

If you’re stuck in your head, and the way out was in there, you would have found it by now. Instead you keep finding that same skip, that same bad line of code, that same hiccup. Your problems may be in there, but the solutions are often out there. Therapy is a great way to start getting outside of your head and back into the world!