The Reverse Golden Rule

How often do you “beat yourself up?” How often do you berate yourself mercilessly? Why do you do it? Is it because you hold yourself to a higher standard than you do others? Is it because that’s how you were raised?

As I said in a previous entry, it is helpful to be aware of your behaviors that you would like to change. But the language we use to talk to ourselves should also reflect that change for the better. Speaking abusively to oneself is not qualitatively different than speaking abusively to others. Moreover, it simply doesn’t “work.” Telling oneself one is somehow “defective,” a “failure,” a “loser,” or a “bad seed” is a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. If I call myself “bad,” it would be illogical for me to act “good.”

The fact is that you will disappoint yourself from time to time, and maybe more often than that! You will act in a way that is not in accordance with your values. The twinge of discomfort you feel can be amplified or it can be filed away for future use as an example of how it feels bad when you act that way.

But forgiving yourself and treating yourself kindly is necessary. You don’t need punishment. The regret for not acting in accordance with your values is more than enough negative reinforcement. Always remember to ask yourself “would I treat my best friend / sibling / child this way if that person made a bad choice?” If he answer is no, why is it OK to treat yourself that way?

Do unto yourself as you do unto others.